


and what's left, is it good?

by academmia



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overworking, Platonic sharing of a bed, background moceit, patton is a fantastic friend/dad, post pof, roman angst is just....so fun, roman is changing and that's hard to handle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26151529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academmia/pseuds/academmia
Summary: After the wedding, Roman is different. He can’t write, he can’t sleep, he just feels broken. He’s not the same prince he was, and he doesn’t know how to deal with that. And even after everything Patton’s done, Roman still trusts him more than anyone.OR: after putting others first, Roman is different and Patton helps him realize that's ok
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 81





	and what's left, is it good?

Roman is sitting at his desk, he has a pen in his hand, he’s well-rested, he has all the time in the world to create, to build a whole new world in his notebook. He was fairly well-rested, he got five hours of sleep last night, and he had an idea. 

But when he puts pen to paper he can’t get past “once upon a time,” no matter how hard he tries. Roman doesn’t understand why, why the words don’t flow like they did before the wedding. Why his nightly word count has winded down from 5000 to 3000 to 1000, and now struggling to hit 500 words a night. He’s desperate to write, but he can’t. 

Lately Roman has been feeling like he can never quite completely relax, like the tenseness in muscles isn’t temporary anymore. Before the wedding, Roman never thought about what he did, but now that seems to be all he does. His daily routine seems is think, overthink, snap his fingers, and then overthink some more. If he put on some smudged eyeshadow and a hoodie people might not be able to tell the difference between him and Virgil. Maybe people would like him better if they thought he was Virgil. 

Roman shook his head. He wasn’t supposed to have thoughts like that. He shook his wrist and bounced his leg. He closed his eyes and tried to control the anxiety that felt like might burn him alive. 

He suppressed the scream he wanted to let out. He didn’t understand why the wedding was messing him up so bad. He’s never had a creative block like this, never had the well get so dry, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He doesn’t know how to handle being a failure. 

He picks up the pen, but instead of letting the ink hit the paper, it hits his skin. Drawing on himself is a habit he picked up sometime in the aftershock of the wedding. It gets him the closest to make the buzzing stop, and Roman can’t stop doing it even if he knows it’s unhealthy. It’s the most creative he’s been in weeks, and it’s addictive. Roman starts small, with doodles of stars and hearts on his hand, running up his fingers. As the hands on his clock move farther left, Roman gets more and more focused. His emotions leak onto his skin, all the fear and the stress is temporality tattooed onto his right arm. As he works his way up his arm, the writing gets messier and messier. The word worthless is a staple on his skin, it seems like it’s meant to be there. It’s almost a part of him now. 

The drawing gets the buzzing to stop, but then the numbness sets in, and it's not exactly better. Roman can’t feel anything anymore, and if he could that would terrify him. He’s no Patton, but feeling and emotion are part of who he is. You can’t separate good creation from emotion. He’s a failure, he knows that. Productive people write more in a day than he does in a week. Productive people can face their mistakes. Productive people don’t waste their time drawing on their skin. Productive people don’t fall apart over a stupid wedding. 

Roman slouches towards his desk and lets his head fall in his arms. He doesn’t feel the drop. Roman doesn’t know how long he sits there, drifting in and out of awareness. The world seems to slow down and speed up at the same time. His room was dark and he had no clue what time it was. 

By the time feeling returned to his fingers, the clock hit 2 am and it hit Roman that he didn’t get any work done. He’d been here for hours, and he hadn’t gotten anything done. He was supposed to have work done by now. Someone would come knocking, and what would Roman have to show them. Nothing, a few crumpled post-it notes, and a few doodles on his hand. 

Roman’s eyes fluttered shut, he let out a loud yawn. He was so tired, but he didn’t deserve to sleep did he? Sleep was a reward and Roman had done nothing to earn it. Coffee is what he needed. Roman pushed himself out of his desk chair, forcing himself to his bedroom door. He pulled it open and made his way to the kitchen. 

To his surprise, when he got there he heard laughing. The lights were dim, but Roma could see Patton and Janus clear as day. They were laughing about something quietly sitting on the counter. They were both in pajamas, and Janus was holding a glass of red wine. Even in his sleep-deprived state, Roman knew he was walking in on a moment. He didn’t know what was going on with Janus and Patton, but he did know he didn’t want to deal with either of them when he was like this. 

He decided to creep back to his room, but before he could-

“Roman?” Janus said.

Of course, it was Janus, he just loved ruining Roman’s life. Roman slapped on a smile and spun around. 

“Yeah?” Roman said, trying to hide the flinch of seeing Janus again. From the way Janus’ eyes got sad, he didn’t manage it. 

“What are you doing up Kiddo?” Patton said. 

“Oh y’ know just stretching,” Roman said, lying through his teeth. 

“He’s lying,” Janus said quietly, but it seemed to ring through the mindscape.

Roman flinched harder. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t stop being scared of Janus. Janus is always in the worst of Roman’s nightmares, telling Roman truths that make his heart pound. 

“Sorry,” Janus says, looking to Patton for help. Roman can’t blame him, he doesn’t want to be here. 

“Janus, you could give us some privacy?” Patton asks, but Roman knows he’s not asking. 

Janus says good night and sinks out, and then it’s just Patton and Roman in the living Roman. Patton’s eyes drift to Roman’s right arm and Roma belatedly realizes he forgot to cover it up. He feels so exposed, and it takes all his willpower not just to run in the other way. He wants to keep what little dignity he has left, he doesn’t want to make Patton sad again. 

“Why are you up really Roman?” Patton asks, without a hint of judgment or anger in his voice. 

“I just needed some coffee,” Roman Says, but before he can make his way over to the coffee pot, Patton blocks his few, setting his firm hands on Roman’s shoulders. Roman tries not to melt at the contact. Patton’s eyes are warm and non-judgmental, and it takes Roman everything he has not to blurt all his secrets out. 

“I don’t think coffee is a good idea at 2 am kiddo,” Patton says. 

_ Come on Roman, act the part.  _

“Nonsense! I have princely duties to attend to! Sleep can wait, there are scripts to be written, worlds to be built,” 

Roman is always acting. Always smiling, always pretending that’s he’s the side he used to be. The smart, creative, useful side he isn’t anymore. Maybe tonight is the night where someone finally realizes he’s a fraud and leaves. 

“Roman, it’s 2 am,” Patton repeats, “You need to stop and rest.” 

“I can’t,” Roman says, “I need to work, I need to finish something,” 

“No,” Patton says firmly, “Roman if you want to be useful, you need to rest,” 

Suddenly, in the mix of sadness and fear enters anger. God, why do the rules keep changing for him. It’s like he can’t do anything right, and every time he tries another piece of him cracks and breaks. It’s never, ever enough. 

“Which is it, padre? Work harder to be useful or work less? Rest or stay awake? Accept Janus or hate him. Go to the wedding or skip it, Am I ever going to be good enough?” He’s shouting now and he can feel the tears dripping down his face. 

Even though the blur of tears, Roman can see the devastation behind Patton’s glasses. “Roman…”

_ You’re weak _

_ You’re broken  _

_ You’re useless _

__

_ You’re not good enough _

_ You’ll never be as good as you used to be _

“Roman, you’ve always been good enough,” Patton chokes out and then familiar arms are being thrown around Roman and he’s overwhelmed by the feeling of safety and cinnamon, and love. Patton's arms are strong and warm and they hold Roman together when he can’t do it himself. The tears fall faster and faster, and Patton slowly runs his hand through Roman’s hair. They stay like that until the tears have run dry and Roman’s body has gone lax. 

Patton pulled away and wrapped an arm around Roman, “Come with me,” He says, and Roman is being gently guided somewhere that he is too tired to figure out. 

“Where are we going,” he asks, leaning against Patton.

“We are going to get some sleep,” Patton says. 

“But I have work to do!” Roman says, attempting to pull away. 

Patton’s firm arm doesn’t move, “It’s okay. I’ll help you tomorrow, but right now you need sleep.” 

Roman knows he should protest, knows he should do better, work harder. He doesn’t deserve anything. But he is so tired, and Patton makes everything seem like it might be ok and he needs that more than anything. 

Patton leads him down the hall, past his room, and into his own. 

Patton’s room feels like sitting by a fireplace. It’s warm and cozy, and it makes Roman tired. There are bean bags and Polaroids hanging on the wall by Patton’s bed. With each one he looked at a new memory comes rushing back. 

But as they learned in Moving On, Patton’s room wasn’t all good. Roman could feel the doubt and the insecurity and the loss at a new level. All the pain from weeks ago felt like fresh knife rooms. The mix of nostalgia and loss made Roman want to cry. But the well was dry so he just felt weird. He was so tired. He wished he could turn back the clock to when they got the callback and just not show up.

“Can you change into PJs for me kiddo?” Patton asked. 

Roman snapped out of his thoughts and snapped his fingers so he was wearing his red flannel pants and an old theater T-shirt. 

“Thanks,” Patton said, changed into his own PJs. 

Patton pulled the covers back and crawled in. He patted the space next to him as a silent invitation 

Roman was scared of letting Patton down, but he also didn’t want to get behind on work. He had already wasted so much time. 

As if to read his mind Patton said, “Roman, it’s ok to rest I promise.” 

Even after everything that happened, Roman still trusted Patton more than himself. He pushed down his doubts and crawled in next to Patton. He turned away from him and scrunched the sheets up so he could run his fingers through them. 

Patton’s body was warm next to his, and Roman was tired, but he just couldn’t sleep. Too many ghosts haunting him. Closing his eyes only seemed to make things worse. 

“What’s going on in that big brain of yours?” Patton asked softly. 

Roman flipped around to look at Patton. 

“Did you like me better before the wedding?” 

“What?”

“I just feel like I was better then. Before the wedding, I spent all night writing because I had so many ideas. Now I sit there with only 100 words after hours of work. Before the wedding, I didn’t mess everything up, and before the wedding, Roman would be able to help Virgil and help you. Before the wedding, I wouldn’t have flinched when Janus is around. Before the wedding I was worthy, and now I don’t think I’ll ever get back to that. I don’t know who I am if I’m not Thomas’ hero,” 

Patton nodded, and rubbed Roman’s back slowly, “It’s okay to feel like that. The wedding was a big deal, and we all let you down, Roman. I am so so sorry that I made you feel like you aren’t worthy. You don’t have to fix us, and if it takes you a while to feel relaxed around Janus that’s ok too. You’re right, you might never be the side you were before the wedding, but it’s okay to change. It’s ok if you don’t know who you are right now. You’re always going to be good enough, and I am so excited to see the person you’re going to become.” 

“Really?” Roman asked, voice cracking. The words he had been needing to hear for weeks were being said and it didn’t feel real. 

“Unlike my boyfriend, I do not tell lies,” Patton said seriously. 

Roman laughed, “Wow Padre, you work fast,” 

Patton smirked, “Yeah, he seems tough, but actually if you just give him cuddles and sunlight he’ll propose,” 

“You would know wouldn’t you,” Roman said. 

“It’s the scientific method in action,” Patton said with a wink.

Roman snorted, “I’ll bet,” 

Silence fell over the room, and for the first time since he sunk out, sleeping didn’t feel terrifying. Right now, everything was ok. 

“Thanks, Pat,” Roman whispered. 

“Mhm,” Patton mumbled, before cuddling Roman closer as they both drifted to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! Roman angst is always fun.
> 
> comments are very appreciated <3
> 
> come scream at me on tumblr @thefingergunsgirl


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